What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 10:23
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
Can a meme heal what therapy can't?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I could never make a relationship work though!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Would this be the day?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We all went to grammer schools
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is soul school!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..